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Humor Inside The Walls

A lot of individuals look at prison like asylum or a place where smiles and laughter doesn’t occur. That’s completely wrong. Even though I was sentenced to natural life w/o parole I try to find something to smile and joke about everyday. It’s like when I come out the cell in the morning to floss and hit my grill I might see a person and they just laugh. It’s not the laughs like ‘look at this stupid MF’ but it’s the laughs of ‘damn you had crying laughing yesterday’.

God has given people talent and it’s up to us to find it. My talent isn’t in sports (well it might be because I’m pretty good in all sports), but I don’t know how to sing, and I’m not an artist. What I do possess is the talent to make people laugh and smile. It doesn’t stop with inmates but staff as well.

I’m incarcerated with all walks of life and it’s guys in here that do not want to show a sign of a smile but I shoot that down so quick. It was one guy years ago he would ask the homies was I outside because he wanted to be fake mad all day and complain about tedious things. He would yell out the window and say ‘Man is Chris out there because I ain’t tryna laugh cause I don’t feel like it today’. Little did he know I was on the side of the building hiding when one of my homies lied and said no. Soon as he came out he started complaining, ‘Man why the bathroom so dirty and why y’all keep laughing’? He asked looking puzzled. So when I came from around the building I yelled ‘Come here and get that evil off you. You need a hug’. When I tell you this fool took off running back inside the building laughing shouting ‘Man get the hell away from me’. My job was done, I had put a smile on his face before he escaped the bear hug. He came to the window fake mad saying we play to much and needed to grow up and he slammed his window and we busted crying laughing.

I wish I could actually record this stuff because I can’t make it up. We call our cafeteria the chow hall for what reason I don’t know. So we have meals that no one eats but it’s always this one person that’s gonna collect it from everybody and make the whole unit suffer. I’ll explain later about the suffering. But this fool would sit in the chow hall with a altered state coat with a another pocket stitched inside the coat. We have a meal called cat head and it’s Salisbury steak but it’s no where near a steak but it does stank. So he a have his coat open and ask everybody that walks past ‘you eating that tray’? So this fool a grab the tray and dump it inside his new pocket that has a garbage bag inside of it. Once the garbage bag is filled he racks his tray and heads to the unit. The whole unit automatically knows what he’s gonna do. He comes to microwave with 40 cat heads, not to remind you you only get 2 per person and they’re bout the size of little meat balls. I come up and he has the microwave on 20 minutes. ‘Man how y’all let this fool get in front of y’all’? I asked pissed off. ‘Wait cho turn playa, y’all down nar watchin’ love & hip hop and y’all shoulda’ hopped cha’ ass up to the microwave’. His English was horrible and he was making all of us suffer from the lingering smell of old shoes, spoiled hamburger meat, old rust, and gravy. He would take it out and stur it up put it back in and licked the spoon. ‘Ughhh’. I said under my breath. The whole unit suffered every other Tuesday and Wednesday. No matter how much we talked about him he went harder. The officer would come out and yell, ‘Who in da hell done stole cat head out the chow hall’ because he now smelled it. Everybody was laughing now because this fool because he was only on his 8th minute and we were fed up with his BS. Still waiting he would tap his feet humming Missy Eliot – I can’t stand the rain’ song looking into the microwave. ‘Man please can we have some time in the microwave’? I asked in sarcastic way. ‘You want some time? Well buy you damn watch’. He snapped back. I had no choice but to laugh and so did everybody else. The microwave line was as long a roller coaster line at Cedar Point. He literally used the whole time. When he was done he took the bowl out and went about his way lighting the whole unit up with that foul odor. He yelled back to me and said ‘next time stop talking so damn much in the chow hall and you’ll beat me back witcho’ nosey ass’….Christopher. He said pausing sounding like the neighborhood wino. Then he flashed his gold tooth smiling like Joe Peshi off of the movie ‘Home Alone’.

But these are the things we experience in prison. I know that Covid- 19 has everyone on edge but we deserve to smile and I’m hoping that you did after reading this.

Christopher Clark/Cx/HP Chris

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